Tired

Sort of ironic that this week’s blog topic on Word Whores is about time, since that seems to be the one thing I just don’t have enough of. I hesitate to use the word burn-out to describe my feelings at the moment, but there it is.

And it seems silly to talk about it sometimes – there’s always someone who has it harder. But then I read articles like this and I begin to wonder at just what it is that I am doing. I mean, no, I don’t want to raise my kids that way…but I do feel as though I’m doing them a bit of a disservice with the way things are going. Some days I feel so utterly wrapped up in my own doings and constantly trying to catch up with everything that I cannot help but think they’re going to look back years from now and think “Why didn’t mom ever have time for *me*?”

At the moment, our lives are in a greater level of upheaval. Mr myn is in the process of being promoted. Unfortunately that means he’s working almost all midnights – he shows up in the morning as I’m heading out the door with the kids, and he’s leaving as I get home with them in the evenings. It takes a massive toll on me, because yes, there are many days where I feel like a single parent. I do mornings, go to work, pick them up, and then have a few hours in the evening (from 6:30  to 9) where it’s dinner, homework, reading, sometimes baths, and maybe play time if we can squeeze it in.)

I’d love to get one or both of them involved in additional extra-curricular activities. Last year, we had Connor in basketball and swimming, but that was a little easier when mr myn’s schedule was closer to mine. Even on his days off at this point, he’s mostly sleeping since it’s definitely hard to break that cycle of working all night/sleeping all day for the sake of a day or two, just to go back to it a few days later.

When I was growing up, my mother was a school teacher, so it was easier in some ways. She got out of work about the same time we did. We also lived in small town, so there was no 2 hour rush hour in the mornings or evenings. (I still remember her coming home and passing out in her chair for 20 minutes every day, so I suspect she was just as tired in some ways.)

Still. I get them into bed (assuming Lucy will stay there. Little girl is constantly getting up and down), and then I have a few hours to myself to do whatever. But I don’t really have time to do whatever, because that becomes my only time to write/outline/research – or right now it’s writing up guest posts and interviews – and some days I can barely keep my eyes open to do it. But it’s not like I can wait. Deadlines are deadlines.

And let’s not forget the complete pit my house has become. I’ve basically gotten to the point that when things fall on the floor, I don’t even pick them up anymore. I just walk right around it and keep going. Sad, I know. My garbage disposal broke last week. Still has power, just doesn’t grind anything and my sink keeps clogging up as a result. The garage door opener fell out of the ceiling about two months ago. My favorite bombe chest now has a nice hole eaten through the varnish because I had left a rubber back ball on top of it for a while. Looks like some sort of chemical reaction happened and poof. Instant hole.

Honestly. There are some days I’d just like to get in my car and drive away.

I’m sure tomorrow will be different.

This entry was posted in blog, grumpy as fuck, sorta ranty, wah, whining. Bookmark the permalink.

9 Responses to Tired

  1. Rhianna says:

    I'd offer a supportive hug but I'm afraid I might pull back virtual stumps. 😛 I'm certainly not in your position right now but I have been nearly there and sympathize with your exhaustion. Those days you just want to run away and never come back are sure hard. I could elaborate on why I forced myself to cut my commitments down a few years ago but methinks you could better spend the time you'd spend reading it doing something for yourself. 😉  Hang in there Allison!

  2. mynfel says:

    Eh. I'm just grumpy today I think. (And it's a lovely example for people who think getting pubbed just makes all your worries and cares go away. It doesn't. LOL)

  3. bluey says:

    You know what? We all do the best that we can. And someday, your kids will respect you for pursuing your dreams and accomplishing them. You are providing them with the best role model that they could ever ask for by showing them that anything that they want to achieve is possible. And yes, they may not be as "stimulated" as other kids who are gang-pressed into extra-curricular activities…but that's not a bad thing.

    I'm always astounded at how much you do – webmistress for several sites, full-time work, writing, drawing/rendering, and many other things that I've forgotten or don't even know about – and you do that while living in chronic pain?!!? Lady. You are too hard on yourself. If you're helping them with their homework, playing games (when you can) and feeding them while tag-teaming with Mr. Myn…you are already doing a stellar job.

    Love your kids. But love yourself too, eh? <3

  4. mynfel says:

    *hugs*

    Thanks bluey. I really needed to hear that.

  5. Rhianna says:

    I have to agree with the wise bluey regarding the kiddos.

    I go through cycles of guilt about not forcing my kid into sports and other extras. I don't drive so it makes it hard to get him to them when he does show any interest but most of the time unless his friend is into it he has none (such a follower and the bane of my very leadershippy/bossy existence). Some days I think I may be the worst mom ever for wanting "me" time to read/review/blog but without that time I'm no fun to be around.

    I forgot to say so before but congrats to mr myn on the promotion, that's usually a good thing even when there's extra work/stress. Hope it eventually works into being an awesome sitch for your family and your writing career.

  6. mynfel says:

    Thanks! I'm sure the promo will be good in the long run, but right now it's a bit of a bitch.

    My SI pain has been acting up quite a bit these last few days and that hasn't been helping much. My attitude overall goes right down the drain as a result. Hopefully after a few days things will be reset a bit and I'll be back to my usual chipper/jaded self. 🙂   

  7. LynnM says:

    Sympathies…..

  8. Renee says:

    <p><span>Wow, chica! I’m all kinds of bored compared to you. I am happy to hear about Mr. myn’s promotion-in-progress, but sorry that you’re so worn out from keeping up with everything you have to do, and while in pain. Until bluey spelled it out, I didn’t realize how much that is. You are one amazing lady! Sending gentle hugs and prayers for strength your way. </span></p>

  9. Seleste says:

    *hugs* It sucks that things are so crazy for you right now, but hopefully they'll even out soon.

    Like Bluey said, someday your kids will appreciate what you did. My advice? Carve out some tiny chunk of time (even if it's just five minutes per kid) and totally focus on them for that time. Share a hot cocoa and a snuggle (or a beer & a snuggle like my dad used to do with me LOL) or whatever, but have that few minutes JUST FOR THEM. Make it simple but special–a ritual almost. It'll mean more than you running all over with them.

    And for goodness sake, take that same amount of time for JUST YOU too. Maybe more. Give yourself a few minutes to center and recharge every day. You'll be happier for it. 

    *hugs again*

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