Release

 I have a hard time letting go of things.

Those of you who know me, or who have followed along with the blog know what I’m talking about. Jeffe and I had a conversation about it via IM the other night, in fact, and she mentioned that the Chinese see everything in a cycle of 5:

Birth -> Growth -> Maturation -> Decline -> Death.

And of course, this concept could apply to anything – ideas, jobs, relationships, whatever. We decided that I had the biggest problem with Decline. Whether or not that’s because I’m afraid of Death, I’m not entirely sure. Though, maybe that’s not right either.

But I know I have a tendency to hold on to things. Change can be very painful for me. Better, maybe to just keep strangling the life out of something until I have no choice but to bury it.

Not sure what it gets me, but it’s a bit ghoulish in some ways. Like I’m just left with a zombie. It sort of looks the same and sounds the same, but that spark that made it what it was is gone – it’s just a shambling mass searching for brains. And the harder I hold onto it, the faster it falls apart until all I’m holding is a bunch of bones.

Pleasant thought, eh?

In either case, I’ve been trying to break out of this cycle, because it’s a habit I’ve had for a very long time. I really don’t like it – not the behavior and not what it’s turning me into. I recently ordered a special edition of the ShadowScapes Tarot which included a custom sketch on a card from the artist, based on a single keyword. I’ve been feeling trapped within my own sets of emotions for a while and the only word I could think of was “release.” So a bird being freed from its windowless cage seems very apropro, on several levels.

So, that is where I am on things. I took a few big steps (for me) this morning – painful ones, but in theory this is a good thing. (Incidentally, Arwen Lynch gives a fabulous Universe tarot reading – I cannot recommend her enough.) I will continue pressing forward until I have a healthier outlook.

And in the meantime, maybe I can learn to Double-Tap that bitch back into the ground.

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4 Responses to Release

  1. Arwen says:

    Synchronicity indeed, Allison! Double tap. Gives a whole new meaning to "I'd tap that", doesn't it. You are on the right track, Missy Ma'am!

  2. mynfel says:

    Thanks! πŸ™‚

  3. Danielle says:

    Those cards are GORGEOUS. I know it can be hard to let go, and sometimes even harder to move on after letting go. I'm not so good at that either. But you're strong, chica. There's no doubt in my mind that you won't break that cycle if it's what you want! xoxo

  4. mynfel says:

    *hugs*

    Thanks, chica! I'll get there. πŸ™‚

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